Saturday, June 7, 2008

An Inciteful Look Into the Mind of a Crazy.

I don't remember exactly when it all started but I can tell you it's been happening for some time. I'm talking years. I finally came to the realization that my thoughts were almost always in an accent other than my own, usually Australian, English, or Irish. It was at this point that I realized that my mind had a mind of its own and thus deserved a name, and Henry seemed as appropriate as any, after all, he came up with it himself.
Henry isn't the best at filing and we often have difficulty remembering things and retrieving those files. But, as I've come to find, if we think about something long enough we're bound to remember. I realize that referring to myself and my mind as "we" makes me sound like someone with Dissotiative Identity Disorder, but it's really not like, no actually you'd probably be right. But it keeps life interesting.
Anyway, I figure it's a good idea to have Henry around because I can always blame things in him. I suppose that, since I'm talking about it, I should introduce the rest of the gang. My stomach was the first of my body parts to receive a name and that name was Chunk. After Henry was christened, I decided that my heart had been around long enough and caused me plenty of trouble, grief, and pain that it needed to be given a name as well, and so it became known as Esteban.
I hope this will be helpful in reading any further stories found on this site. Thank you and farewell.

Chunk was pissed, but Esteban was on the top of the world.

I hardly slept the night before. I think it was the excitement; the anticipation. That or the fact that I didn't take my sleeping pills and I'm an insomniac. Either way, I was exhausted. But when I stepped out the front door into the most beautiful morning I'd seen in months, I was in awe. The sweet smell of the blossoming trees mixed perfectly with the smell of the coming rain. The dark bluish gray clouds blanketed the sky, giving a comfortable, slightly melancholy mood: my favorite. Were it a real day off from work I would have stopped to enjoy this moment for a lot longer, but I had things to get done.
I've always had a habit of planning things out in my head. From lists of things to buy at the store to the 'to do' stuff after work, I'll plan and recite and repeat the order over and over until I've accomplished what I'd listed. Sometimes I'll even say it out loud to myself. And it was the same on this day. ATM, bank, leave town, shop for pants, pick up ring, ask dad, head home before I'm supposed to get off work. After I accomplished the first two things on my list I downed an energy drink and hit the road.
Just over an hour later I got out of my car in the parking lot of the New Gate Mall in downtown Salt Lake City and the delicious smell of summer hit my nose. I smiled and continued on with my list. After a disappointing visit to several stores in search of slacks I found myself at the strange, yet fun, company that held the ring I'd ordered. I then dropped more money than I'd ever spent on anything, and all on an object that was the size of a nickel.
This is taking too long...let's see...skipping...skipping...ah, so I'd planned a romantic evening with Michelle, my skirt, and I got back from SLC with just enough time to get a hair cut (so I could look presentable) and get ready before she came over to my place. We ate at Hamilton's, probably the nicest restaurant in town, which completely pissed off my stomach because I hadn't eaten all day. So we came back to my place and I laid down for a bit. I looked out the window a little while later to find the sky in a absolutely beautiful array of colors. I decided we needed to go to our 'spot' and watch the sun set.
Now, I must preface this by saying that I had no intention of asking the babe a question, in fact I'd been planning on faking her out all night by kneeling to tie my shoe, kneeling to pick something up that had fallen off the table at dinner, and the like. However, with the sky painted varying shades of red, orange, purple, and yellow, I realized the setting was too perfect to pass up. As the broad in question wandered away from the car to inspect an uprooted tree nearby, I pulled a small, black, velvety box from under my car seat, knelt down on one knee, and said, "Question." She turned around to see me there holding a box that held a diamond ring. She covered her mouth and proceeded to hyperventilate. I continued with my question, which, if I remember correctly, went something like, "Will you marry me?" I know, I know, I'm very original, but I didn't have a quirky way to ask. I didn't have any fancy words or funny lines. All I had was a my life savings in a little black velvety box and a hope to have this babe as my wife.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Cream Cheese and Poppy Seeds

When I die you guys better bloody well just chuck my corpse into a homemade, plywood box and throw it in a hole, because I can't imagine spending mucho dinero on something as worthless as a coffin. Better yet, get a cardboard box, that way you won't have to waste the time and money on making one out of plywood. Or you could just wrap my lifeless corpse with plastic wrap or tinfoil. I suppose that one would be considered littering, but no one really cares about the planet anyway, and I'll be dead and gone so I won't give a pooh.
I was watching the movie Eulogy, a hilarious movie with an all-star cast (a tad crass, but funny), while eating noodles and it got me thinking about the subject of death. Well, that and burning boats. At any rate, if I look down from that waiting room on high and find that someone wasted more than say...$75 on my funeral and burying expenses, I'm going to come down and personally haunt them until they loose their mind and take to barking at the wall.