I stayed up late the night before our flight, packing and preparing. As I stuffed my CaseLogic cd case in my suitcase I couldn't help but imagine our flight crashing into a mountain or exploding in midair, the tattered remains of luggage and bodies falling into some farmers field in the middle of Oklahoma. Flying had always been a bittersweet experience for me as during the take-off and actual flight I had to concentrate on anything but my approaching, imminent death, and the landing was the relief that freed me from the burden of unimportant thoughts.
So there I was, stuffing my baseball glove between my church shoes and binoculars and thinking of how it will feel when the pilot announces that we're going to crash and what it will be like to know that death is moments away. Then it came to me: I should write my will. Where would all my stuff go if I died unexpectedly? This was my chance to write a note to my surviving friends and let them know that I'll miss them, that I saw this incident coming, and how exactly they could divide my assets. Thus, at 1:30 am, in my basement room, with thoughts of watching the seats in front mine rush toward me as the nose of the plane smashes into a mountain side, I began writing my farewell note.
"Dear Friends," I started. No no, "To whom it may concern," yeah, that's it. "To whom it may concern, and to whoever may find this note, if you are finding it then our plane must have crashed and we must be dead." What if someone robs our house and finds this note? After considering this as a possibility I decided that is was highly unlikely, and went on with my letter.
I told of how much I would miss each of my friends. I left my baseball cards and baseball memorabilia to my best friend Brett, as he would appreciate these most and because these were my most valuable possessions. He would also get my photos. I've loved pictures all my life, mostly because I love to reminisce and partly because I like to see how things and people used to look.
As I finished up the note I realized that I should include something daring, something I would never say while I was alive. I would declare my undying love for a girl. Now, saying you were interested in a girl and talking about girls at the age of 14 is something that is fairly common for boys to do. However, I'd been teased at a young age by my mom and older sister about liking a girl and this did not bode well with my already shy nature and lack of confidence. So instead of casual conversations in the confidence of my best friends about the girls I liked, I avoided the subject and refused to offer any information or clues leading to the discovery of my feelings. Accomplishing this, while trying to solidify my role as a heterosexual, became more and more of a challenge. But I'll save that for another day.
Assuming that if anyone read my note I was dead and thus I wouldn't have to face the embarrassment of allowing others to know my feelings, or that I would survive the plane rides to and from Georgia and find the silly letter lying on my dresser, I continued to write of my romantic interest in a girl I'd only talked to once. Nicole Clark must know of my feelings for her so she could mourn her loss appropriately.
In all the excitement of lying around my grandparent's house, and the stressful flights surrounding those events, I'd forgotten about my unnotorized will awaiting my return. I picked it up and smiled, laughed at my insecurity, and tore it up into tiny pieces so no one would find my incriminating testimony.
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2 comments:
You're my Favorite
Nicole Clark, eh? Mine was Jesse Walters. Nothing like true love, when you're 14.
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